American Dream

Since 2008 began I feel like everything changed. Between me and myself, my friends, my family. How I wish everything goes back the way it used to be. I wish I never been here in America. I never wanted to reach the American Dream. I never wanted to be here. From the start I know everything will change when I come here. My personality, relationship, beliefs and so on. I wish I could turn back time, and change everything. I hated America, I hated the feeling. But what else can I do, Im already here. I guess I just have to deal with this. I changed a lot, to the fact that I hated my own self. I was not like this before; I was more calm, outgoing, fun and real. I feel like im fake to myself. I tryna be some person I know I cant be. I mean like, I tryna act like everything is okay although I know it aint. I wanna be the old me, I know I was all bad before but I feel like im better and comfortable like that. I wanna be loud again, I wanna laugh like theres no tomorrow, I wanna sing like no one’s listening, I wanna love like no one will stop me. I wanna go home, I really do. I feel numb here, even my own family hates me now. I wasn’t like this; I was smarter, I was better. But now, every word I say when im home makes my family disappointed at me. I wish I never left the Philippines, I wish we stay how we used to be. Even it was hard, but it’s all good. But here, it’s like war every day of my life. Im tired of this, im tired of seeing my family fucked up every day. I never wanted it to be like this, I never. How could I take all the bullshits in? I know she didn’t mean all the things she said. But I know it hurts me, I know that. But I tryna show em im tough, that it don’t matter how hurt it was. Since I was a kid I never opened myself to them, I never let my feelings out. Well, I never let it out to anyone. 16 years of my life I keep it to myself and God. Here I am now. Idk. It hurts, it really does.